Steven Wright Quotes

I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.