Mitch Hedberg Quotes

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.